Quiet.

Quiet. That describes the house tonight. The first day of school is tomorrow. We're all inching back into a routine. The kids were all in bed by 8:40pm. I don't remember the last time that happened. It's nice, but also well, just quiet.

The past few days have been spent preparing for tomorrow. Monday was "Carter's day." We spent the morning with the girls and grandma (Greg's mom) - our SUV had tire issues so we didn't have a vehicle until the afternoon. We had lunch together and by that time the vehicle was ready. Carter wanted to go to the skate park. We went to Kidspace here in Shawnee and stayed about an hour. It was hot, but he was having a lot of fun. We stayed until I got the creeps. An older man showed up on a bike and started riding the ramps with the kids. I just didn't have a good feeling about the situation, so we left. There were some other adults around, but seriously, if you have a child, please don't drop them off at the park or let them go by themselves. Your kids are too precious to let something happen to them.

I thought I had heard that the nearby town of Tecumseh had a skate park, so we went there. They had a nice one and we were the only people there. C-man had a good day.

Today I meant to get up early to do a trial-run for school, but it didn't happen. I couldn't get to sleep last night, so I slept in this morning. Greg got up and ready for work and brought us home breakfast from Braum's. He went to work and we stayed here for a while and enjoyed a visit from my dad and grandma. Then we went to the school so Maddie could fix-up her locker. After that we made a shopping run to try to find shoes for Maddie for school. Nothing like waiting til the last minute. We wrapped up the afternoon with snow cones.

Tonight was back-to-school night. Carter found his classroom and his desk and talked to his teacher. I think we're going to have a great year. He seems excited about going back. Maddie knew all her teachers from last year, so not much excitement from her. I think Chloe would probably fit right into the pre-K class, but her birthday is Sept. 29 so she she doesn't start until next year.

I told Chloe that it would just be me and her for a while. Her mother's day out doesn't start until Sept. 1. I asked her if she was going to miss Maddie and Carter when they started back to school.
Her reply, "Maybe just a tiny bit" as she pinched her thumb and forefinger together with only a tiny space to keep them from touching. She later asked me if she could have a day after the kids went back to school. She said, "Maybe we could go to Benec Stweet." If you don't already know, Benedict Street is our favorite place for lunch - and she loves the little cups of coffee. I said, "Maybe."

While sitting awake last night I decided to start reading another book. I found this one while going through stuff for the garage sale. I bought it several years ago at a Christian women's convention and had started reading it, but for whatever reason it didn't grab my attention. It's grabbing it now. The name of the book is "Fresh-Brewed Life" by Nicole Johnson. I'm in a coffee kick now, so the title is fitting. I actually got up from my chair at two in the morning to find a highlighter to mark in this book. I've never been someone to mark in books, so for me this is big. I've really been struggling with the loss of Mav and feel kind of stuck. I know what path I'm taking next, but I feel spiritually stuck. I feel betrayed. I feel like I had all the faith in the world that Mav would be healed and I was let down. I was crushed - I am crushed. One year ago I expected to be toting a baby boy along with us tomorrow on the first day of school - an eleven-month-old to be exact. Eleven months tomorrow. My plan was not God's plan. I don't know why. I've read books and listened to sermons that make me feel better for awhile, but I know this is going to be a long process - a life-long process.

Back to the book... The first thing I highlighted followed a story about a woman sunbathing on the roof of a hotel. She decided no one could see her up there, so she slipped out of her bathing suit for a better tan. The assistant manager of the hotel was out of breath after running the stairs to inform her that she was lying on the dining room skylight. Here's the following paragraph - parts of it I highlighted:

"Talk about exposed! It's terrifying until you realize one thing: when you're naked, you've got nothing to hide anymore. When you're empty, you have nothing else to be taken away. When you tell the truth, it sets you free. So, I made my decision to stop pretending."

As we've been going through life without Mav I've found myself pretending frequently. Pretending everything is okay. Some days are better than others, but I miss my baby. Greg misses his son - he's mad and I'm sad. I'm not saying our life is horrible now. You can look at the pictures of our other beautiful kids to know we're blessed. Life is so different now, though. What's been hard for me to realize through the years is that people are pretending everyday. They pretend their lives are fine, hiding their flaws or struggles from everyone around them. I have been naive enough to believe them in the past and have wondered why our lives aren't as perfect as theirs. When the truth comes out, you realize everyone is "normal" until you get to know them.

The next highlighted area of the book is as follows:
"The darker the roast of the coffee, the more intense the flavor. It stands to reason that for a rich, strong life, we are going to have to go through the fire."

It then goes on to reference 1 Peter 1:3,6-7:

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials." These trials have come, the Scripture says, "so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine." This genuine, refined by fire, holding-on-for-dear-life faith will result in praise and glory to Christ.
We are the beloved of God. We will go through trials, but we can submit to them so that our faith, the most precious thing we have, may be authentic. When people see our lives, they know we are honest people. Suffering makes us real, and that brings glory to God.

I'm holding these scriptures close right now and I love the way this book presents them. Well, it's late again. I'll try to update tomorrow with our annual "First Day of School" pictures. We should find out about Maddie's biopsy results tomorrow as well. Love you all, jc

We've had a good weekend. Friday evening we went over to Greg's Aunt Sheila and Uncle Bob's house for a cookout. Most of the people from his dad's side of the family were there. Unfortunately, we haven't gotten together with all of them in several years. We had a wonderful time and I'd like to think little Mav played a part in making it happen. When he was in the hospital several of our relatives from Greg's side of the family came to sit with Mav in the evenings at the hospital. We've all become much closer since. I've loved getting to know them all - they're wonderful people. The kids had a great time playing with their cousins. I remember playing with my cousins as a child and what fun it was. I want that for the kids.

There were two sweet babies there - both were Sheila and Bob's grandchildren. Chloe tried to take over the care of little Kayleigh. Little Cooper was tired and was trying to go to sleep, so he was off the hook. Chloe got in on K's bath and fed her a bottle and helped put her in her jammies. She (Chloe) enjoyed it sooo much. Thanks to her parents Kasey and Paul for being so tolerant of her "help." Little K seemed to be okay with it, too.

Chloe helping with the bath - Miss K wasn't having such a great time at this moment.

Little Miss K loved Maddie's sparkly shirt.

Cooper is the son of Jill and Justin. They live in Texas and Justin visited us and little Mav a lot while he was in the hospital. It was great to see them and their sweet baby boy. This was the first time we got to meet both the babies. Thanks so much to Bob and Sheila for hosting the event. We really enjoyed it.

Greg with baby Cooper.

I think Carter wore Justin out. They played "washers."

Saturday was spent working on Maddie's desk and cleaning up Chloe's room. I'm still trying to get stuff ready for a garage sale. Hopefully I'll be ready this weekend. That may be a bit ambitious - we'll see. The pile in the garage is definitely growing.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, so we slept in this morning. Tonight is the last night the kids are staying up late. We'll try to get everyone (myself included) back into a routine before school starts on Wednesday.

The girls and I went to a wedding shower this afternoon. Greg and Carter had some male bonding time. C-man and I are having some time together tomorrow. When Maddie and I got home the other day from our "girls day" he asked when we could have our day together. Awww - isn't that sweet? So, tomorrow is our day and I'm sure we'll spend most of it at the skate park. I haven't looked at the weather, but I hope it's not as hot tomorrow as it was today.

I just finished reading the Sunday paper. There was an article about a patient in London who received a heart transplant at five months old. They left her original heart in hoping that the new heart would allow her own heart time to heal (she had two hearts in her chest). They've recently removed the donated heart and her heart is functioning well and has healed. She's now sixteen and is playing sports and living a normal life. I hope someday there are even more options for babies with sick hearts. Here's a link to the story if you're interested.http://www.wtopnews.com/?nid=106&sid=1717022

Here's a sweet video of our sweet baby Mav.

Yesterday was five months and twelve days since Mav passed. The same amount of time he was alive. So, today it's official, he's been gone longer than we had him with us. I know I shouldn't get hung up on days like that, but it's so hard not to. I miss him so much.


Tuesday one of my friends came over to help me get some things organized and cleaned out for the garage sale. We went through Carter's closet. Actually, she went through Carter's closet. A lot of Mav's clothes are still in there. She put them all in one drawer together. We both cried. It was nice to have someone to cry with. It was nice to hear she missed him and she didn't understand why either.

Yesterday Maddie had her biopsy done in Edmond. The oral surgeon didn't think it was anything to worry about, but I'm supposed to call next Wednesday for the pathology results. Since we were there and didn't have Carter and Chloe with us we made a day of it. Every year before school starts we have an annual Girls' Day. We did a little back-to-school shopping and had lunch together. We had orders from the oral surgeon's office to have something cold - that meant Baskin Robbins again for Maddie. She's doing fine today and hasn't complained about her mouth at all.


I can't believe the kids start school in 6 days. This summer has flown by. I'm really not ready for the kids to go back to school yet. I ordered my textbooks for nurse practitioner school tonight. I'll start school on the 17th. I'm ready. I just need to get a few more things completed around here.

Today we cooked a lot. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I decided to make bread. Real homemade bread with yeast and everything. It turned out perfect and I was astonished. So were the kids. Maddie made homemade granola bars that were great. We also made Ms. G's famous ham. It turned out perfect. Maybe I'm not such a bad cook after all...

Love you all, jc

"It smells like Baby Maverick..."

"It smells like Baby Maverick out here," I heard Chloe say as we were getting out of the truck late tonight. She's my child who always smells everything. She'll smell your breath and ask if you've been eating "x" and she's usually right. She'll smell perfume on someone walking by in a store and say, "She smells like grandma." She has a very sensitive sense of smell. It caught me off guard when she said this. We had just driven outside of Shawnee to pick up Carter. He decided late this evening that he didn't want to stay at his friend's house for a second night. It was dark outside, but the light of the full moon was bright enough for me to see her looking up at the sky and breathing in deeply to capture the scent. She said it again and again as she spun around on the driveway with her arms outstretched, looking up at the stars. I finally said,"Maybe he's telling you goodnight." She looked at me for a moment then looked back up and started spinning around again yelling, "Goodnight Maverick! Goodnight Maverick! I love you!" Then I said it too with a tear in my eye.

I'm continuing to work on cleaning and de-cluttering. I'm getting closer. I may call for some help tomorrow - my friend, Dianna wanted to come over tomorrow so the boys could play. She's good at organizing things and I'm not. I know my weaknesses and that's one of them. That play date may help me get a lot accomplished - get ready Ms. Di.

Maddie's still working on her room. We found a desk at a thrift store the other day for $14.98. It needed sanding and painting. I taught her how to use the palm sander and she's been tackling that task. She enjoys learning how to do things and likes to do them herself. She'll be well equipped for the real world someday. I'm so proud of her. I'm so proud of all of them, it's fun to watch them learn new things and grow up. I just wish time would go by a little bit slower.

Maddie, Chloe and I went to Edmond today for an appointment (Carter was at his friend's house). Maddie had a dark spot show up on her palate (the roof of her mouth), so our dentist wanted her to see an oral surgeon. He thinks it's just a "freckle," but just to be sure we're having a biopsy done on Wednesday. They'll send it off for pathology and we should know something in a week. Keep her in your prayers. Our dentist told us the chance of it being something bad was "like the chance of winning the lottery... But someone has to win the lottery." With our luck in the past year I wonder if maybe I should start buying lottery tickets, hmmmm.

While we were sitting in the waiting area, Maddie was skimming through an Edmond magazine. She spotted an ad for Baskin Robbins and about went wild. She loves Baskin Robbins and has since our trip to Colorado several years ago. They're kind of hard to find in Oklahoma. She pleaded to go by there before we went home, so we did. That made their day. Chloe wanted to bring home an ice cream cake. I kept telling her that it would melt by the time we made it home. She tried to talk me into it by saying that we could eat it quickly on the way home. She's such a funny little mess. I would have taken a picture, but my phone is having technical difficulties.

I guess my phone finally got tired of being dropped. Now whenever someone calls, they can't hear me very well. To demonstrate, Maddie called me from my phone and her voice was so garbled, it was difficult to figure out what she was saying. We had an extra phone here, so I put my SIM card in it. It takes pics, but they're horribly blurry. There's also not a complete keyboard for texting, so I am handicapped when I try to text. It takes me forever. Greg just let me know my contract is up so I can go in anytime and get a new phone. I would really like another one like my old one (Blackjack). I had just learned how to do most of the things I needed. Greg says there are so many nicer ones out now. I need something fairly easy. I just read over this paragraph and I sound whiny. It's hard to believe that we used to get along just fine without cell phones. Do you remember the very first ones that looked like you were carrying around a brick? I remember going into a store with a guy I was dating when cell phones just came out. He walked around that store talking on his brick-like phone and I remember thinking "What a dork. He's trying to impress everyone with his new technology." That was obviously BG (before Greg). He would have never done that. Now everyone, myself included, do it.

Speaking of my hubby, his legs are really bothering him. He's now having some numbness and pain in his legs and feet. It's due to his back, but these symptoms have just started in the past couple of weeks. Keep him in your prayers, too.

Love you all, jc

Cleaning Closets, Stunt Devils, and Chloe's Sleepover

We've been cleaning. I've gone through two closets today and have added a lot of stuff to our garage sale pile - umm, mound would be more appropriate. We're planning on having one in the next few weeks or so. I've only had one other in my life, and that was before kids. I always get stressed out going through that much stuff and trying to organize and price it. I usually end up sending it to Prevent Blindness or the Goodwill. I'm in the mood to do it this time, though. I want to simplify things before school starts. We have waaaay too much stuff.

Maddie left today for Princess Day with the middle school girls from our church. They're at Lake Eufaula having a great time. It's nice to see her having fun again. They'll be back tomorrow evening around 6:00. Carter has his friend, Kirk, over. His mom, my friend Dianna, went with the girls.

Those boys crack me up. They've dubbed themselves the Stunt Devils. They've been playing on a scooter and skateboard outside on and off all day. Carter has a small ramp, but to hear them talk about their tricks... "I did a flip in the air," and "I jumped high, then rolled and heard my elbow go 'crack'." They both add to each other's stories. We're going to the skate park tomorrow. They say they're going on the big ramp, but we'll see how brave they are when they're staring down the slope.

Chloe was invited to her first sleepover last night with her friend Dassie. Before we left the house she asked me, "When it's time for bed can you come and cratch my back?" Isn't that sweet? I had to break it to her that I couldn't come over to 'cratch' her back before bed. I dropped her off and as soon as she got out of the car she said, "Bye, mom." She's stayed with the Mays before, but never without Maddie or Carter. I got the call about 1:30am. Poor Dovie and Rodney (Ron-dee as Chloe calls him). This is my public apology, sorry, I owe you guys. She had a lot of fun while she was there, though.

I got a call from West Memorials and received an email with some more pics of headstones they've done. They're beautiful. I'm going to check one other place and then we'll decide who to go with. We're ready to get started on Mav's gravemarker. I think we want several pictures on it. The polished granite with etched pictures looks really nice.

Well, enough for now. Love you all, jc

Moving the Crib and My Heart Check-up

Maddie has wanted her own room for quite awhile now. We finally caved this weekend and did some re-arranging of the rooms at our house. We have an extra living room that we moved our room into and she now has our old room, leaving Chloe in their room. Thanks to the Quinns for helping us move everything. We took the crib out of Carter's room and re-configured it for a daybed for Chloe's room. I think that was easier than taking it completely down and seeing it in the garage.

Maddie has been painting bedroom furniture for her room. The bed they shared was bright bubblegum pink and didn't match the bedding her grandma bought her, so she painted it. I taught her all the tricks of painting and she took off and did a great job on her own. I'll put some pics of it on here when she's finished.

I had my cardiology check-up today with Dr. Ward. They did an echo in the office. The device is in the right place and there is no flow around it - which is great. The echo and EKG both showed my heart looks completely normal - no abnormalities at all. No damage from all the years walking around with an ASD. That's nice to know. I got sad driving back home in the rain. I wish I would've been taking Mav up there for a check-up.

I got a big box of pictures out of the garage tonight. One of the projects I want to finish requires finding some specific baby pics of Maddie. I've already finished the pics of Carter and Chloe. Maddie's weren't in the box. I know they're out there somewhere. I just haven't found the right box yet. We had a great time looking at all the pictures, though. I can't believe how quickly they've grown.

Love you all, jc

PS Martha - Can I post the beautiful poem Bob wrote? I saw it on Mitch's blog.

Great book for dealing with the loss of a child

My friend, Kim, came by this morning and went to the cemetery with me. It's still hard to go, but I still feel like I need to. Greg and I have been talking more about his grave marker and I checked out a couple of places here today, but they didn't have what we were looking for. I put in an email to one of the companies I listed in an earlier post (one that does custom work), but I haven't heard from them yet. Maybe I'll be able to talk to them about what we want without crying.

I sat down this evening and read the book Greg read yesterday. It's called, " Tracks of a Fellow Struggler - Living and Growing through Grief" and was written by John R. Claypool. He's a pastor who lost his 10 year-old daughter to leukemia and it's a collection of some sermons he did while going through the different stages - diagnosis and treatment, remission, recurrence, and death. It was a great book and helped both of us out a lot. Thanks, Todd. I would definitely recommend it to anyone going through this. I've read different books on grief, but this is by far my favorite. Basically, it let me know that it's okay to wonder why and to not understand. He did the same thing. By the end of the book, his last sermon is about how life is a gift. We did nothing to deserve it - we did nothing to get the gift of our children, either. We should enjoy each day. Here's an excerpt from a sermon that's toward the end of the book.

"Two things that radically altered Job's situation emerged out of this encounter, and they proved to be the catalyst that enabled Job to move through his grief back to wholeness. One was a new understanding of the past, and the other was a fresh vision of the future. Let us look at them both.
The first thing God did was to call into question the "justice-injustice" approach to the mystery of life. God began by asking Job where he had been when the whole drama of creation had begun. What had he done to create his own life, or to call the universe into being, or to make possible the existence of his possessions or his children or his health? In other words, God was reminding Job that the things he had become so indignant about losing actually did not belong to him in the first place. They were gifts - gifts beyond his deserving, graciously given him by Another, and thus not to be possessed or held onto as if they were his. To be angry because a gift ahas been taken away is to miss the whole point of life. That we ever have the things we cherish is more than we deserve. Gratitude and humility rather than resentment should characterize our handling of the objects of life. This important lesson is one all of us need to learn...."

I liked that he was honest throughout the book in his thoughts and in his sermons. I won't go into any more detail, but I think it's a great book for anyone to read. I really liked how he discussed the questioning of why.

I went to the bedroom to read the book so I could have a little quiet. Chloe came back to join me with her babies. Quiet isn't in her personality. She brought me her babies to watch and told me they had "pwoblems wis deir heawts," but they would be fine and she would be just across the street if I needed her. What an imagination - she keeps us on our toes. They are all such blessings.

Hope you all have a great weekend. Love ya, jc