Happy First Birthday in Heaven, Mav

One year ago today...

We had such high hopes for a successful surgery. We were prepared to bring home a sweet baby in three weeks - four weeks tops (my words). I held Mav without any wires or tubes for the first and last time during his life.

If all of this has taught me anything it should be that no matter what plans I have, ultimately, I am not in control. I was reminded of that several times today; even though we had everything planned out perfectly. The first issue, it rained all day. This afternoon, kids and I went to Staples to make the tags for the balloons. When we got home and tied them on, they were too heavy for the balloons to float. We had to tie two balloons together to lift the tags. We were leaving to go to the cemetery with balloons and the cake (we weren't eating the cake there, I just wanted my talented photographer friend, Dejah, to take a "good" picture of it) when on the way out the door, it slipped from my hand and landed face-down (still in the box) on the porch. I screamed. The cake was so perfect - we had it made here in Shawnee (if you need a cake let me know and I'll give you Michelle's number). It had the airplane that was on Mav's dry erase board in Dallas on it (if any big D people are reading, let Morgan know we used it on his cake). I hadn't taken any pictures of the cake of , yet. It was pretty messed up. Greg told me it was okay and that today wasn't about the cake. We headed for the cemetery. We had a few "test" balloons, so Greg and Carter got out of the vehicle to let one go and one piece of the umbrella broke when they opened it. Then, balloon headed straight for a tree and stuck there. We decided to change plans and release the balloons from our front yard. We drove back home and went inside. During all the shuffle, the balloons became entangled - they were a mess. We finally untangled them, went outside and four got tangled again. When we finally got them untangled, the rain was so hard or the atmospheric pressure was so high that they wouldn't float. They drifted into the road and into the neighbors' yards. So, we gathered the balloons and went back into the house soaking wet and thanked our friends for their attempts to take pictures of Mav's day. When 7:02pm rolled around we took the disheveled cake out of the box, lit a candle on it and sang "Happy Birthday" for Maverick. The kids blew out the candle and a few seconds later it lit back up. It's not even a trick candle. Maybe it was a sign from Mav, or maybe it was God letting us know we're not even in control of something as small as a candle.

So, we're going to try to release the balloons another day. I suppose it doesn't have to be exactly on his birthday. That was just my plan.

Greg and I were talking on the way to the cemetery about our other kids first birthdays. We were always stressed out about getting the house clean and decorated and making sure everyone was invited; making sure the cake was just right and child was rested and happy for the event; making sure the batteries were charged for the cameras; making sure the clothes were right for the pictures we would be taking, etc. Today put a lot of things into perspective for us. This entire past year has. We shouldn't stress over the little things. We should enjoy each day no matter what problem it brings. Most problems are small in the grand scheme of things. I would have loved to have the "stress" of those small problems today.

Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep. I spent the afternoon with my friend, Dejah, talking about ideas for Mav's grave marker. She was going to design it for us. Greg and I were talking later yesterday evening and he threw out some ideas for the design. They were great. I called D and asked her to stop working on it. I cut out a piece of craft paper in the size of the marker and started drawing. Before I went to bed, I had it finished. Greg looked at it when he woke up and loved it - we think it will be perfect. I'm relieved we were able to at least finish the design before his birthday. We'll get with someone this week and talk about having it made. We've had such a hard time sitting down and trying to come up with something for his grave. Some people have the markers ready and placed in a few months, and we've felt bad that we haven't done that. It's just been so hard to look back through all the pictures and pick which ones we want on it. I'm glad we've finally decided. I can't wait to have the finished piece to share with everyone.

Before I get off here for the night, I just wanted to thank everyone for their sweet sentiments, cards, gifts, flowers at the grave, and prayers. It means so much to know that our sweet boy hasn't been forgotten - really, you'll never know how much it means to us. Thanks so much. We're so blessed to have you all. Love you all, jc

For momma's sweet boy on your first birthday,

We miss you so much. I miss walking into your room in the morning and saying, "How's momma's sweet boy?" and kissing your soft little cheeks. I miss seeing the look you would give me when you wanted your mobile turned on. I miss holding your hands. I miss rocking you during our special time during the day. I miss seeing you feel your favorite little monkey. I miss reading you "Brown Bear," you always liked looking at the bright colored animals on the pages. I wish we could have shared those times at home. You're in our thoughts everyday.

Thank you for being such a fighter and for trying so hard. I know you gave it everything you had and we're so proud of you. I'm so sorry for all the things you had to go through. I'm so glad you no longer have to endure the tubes, pokes, fevers, dressing changes, procedures, and pain. I would've given anything to take your place. Daddy and I both would have. You are truly my hero and Daddy's, too. I know you don't miss this place at all. I know you're happy and healthy and free now and that makes me happy for you. I just sooo wish things could've been different. It just seems so unfair.

You have touched our lives and changed us forever. Your spirit will always live on as long as we're alive, I promise. I hope you know how much you were, and are, loved. That was one of my constant prayers for you while you were here with us.

We love and miss you, little man. One day we'll see you again.

Love you forever,

Mommy