Pardon my language,

but this just sucks. This was little Mav from February 18th. The day of his attempted heart cath. Greg and I held him before he went for the procedure. We took quite a bit of video as well, and he just looked scared. He was looking around the room like, "What's going on?" I really think he knew something was getting ready to happen.

Today has been hard. The weekend went okay. The kids and I went to Mav's grave yesterday, and it was actually a bit easier. Maybe because the kids were with me - I don't know. Greg got the kids ready for school and let me sleep in. The morning was fine, despite the fact that I had to call the billing office of a physician group for one of Mav's bills. Next, I had to call the insurance company and fax the bill to them. I held up through all of that. Then, this afternoon I was walking through the living room and saw one of Mav's hats in Chloe's shopping cart. It was one he wore a lot in OKC. I picked it up and smelled it and started crying. I put it in a ziplock bag with his monkey and frog (thanks for the suggestion). Later this afternoon, I called the cemetery to find out the dimensions and restrictions for a headstone for Mav's grave. Poor woman on the phone - I could barely speak. I was fine when I made the call, then when I was placed on hold they had this recording about the services they offer and blah, blah, blah. It just hit me like a brick. After I got off the phone I wanted to go through Mav's things. Most of his things are in the crib. We hadn't gone through any of them. Hospital papers, duoderm, wound gel, his gecko and puppy, birthday banners from when he turned three months old. That was enough. Greg called at just the right time and told me to stop. He said there is no timeline of when we have to go through his things or take the crib down. He came home and we talked. Thankfully, we usually don't have bad days at the same time. But we both have them.

Last night we were watching tv. There was a show on about a couple who had quads and it had some of their NICU stay on the show. I always like to watch those types of shows - I guess it's just the NICU nurse in me. After it went off another one came on. It was about people who didn't know they were pregnant until the baby was already here or close to being born. I've always had a hard time believing those stories. A couple of the women had been smoking and drinking throughout their pregnancy. Their babies were FINE. We had finally heard enough and changed the channel. It's just so unfair that so many people who drink, smoke, do drugs, or don't even want a baby have a completely healthy child. My mom always said, "Life isn't fair." Nothing has changed.

I started writing in my journal again today. I'm pretty open here, but there are some things I just need to keep to myself. I wrote some scripture cards when Mav was in the hospital, and they fell out when I opened the journal. Here are a couple of them:

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

It is so hard to see the good on my side of the equation. I read through the entry I wrote the day before Mav died. Most of it was a prayer. I may share it at some point, but not tonight. It just seems like things start to get a bit easier, then a day like today comes along. Praying for brighter days to come. Love you all, jc