Cleaning and Coping as a Couple

We enjoyed the last day with our nephew, Cooper. He went home today after we did our cheap movie day at Bricktown. I know Carter will miss having him around.

Maddie and I started cleaning out the garage after we got home. That's one of the things on my "to do list" of things to get accomplished before school starts. It will take another day or so. There are baby items out there that Mav never got to use - an exersaucer, baby toys, not to mention all the items still left inside the house. I'm not quite ready to get rid of all of them. My friend, Kim, came over tonight and assured me that that's okay. Greg has told me this before as well. There's no timeline on how or when I need to do certain things. No timeline on how to grieve.

I've had a few people ask how we're doing as a couple. Through this process we've realized that we each grieve differently. I think any couple going through this has to accept these differences to make it through the loss of a child. We've been fortunate that we haven't had problems in this area, and I feel like our marriage is stronger now than it's ever been. We're both suffering the same loss and it's comforting to have each other's shoulder to cry on when we need to. I can't imagine getting through this without him. However, I could see how having specific expectations from your spouse (expecting them to grieve like you do) during this time could set you up for many battles. I think if you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed. I'm going to have good days and bad days and so is he. Eventhough we each deal with our loss differently, we're both on the same team. Our battle is the same, but our weapons are different. I would never wish this on anyone, but if you're going through it, I hope these words will help.

Tomorrow will be five months since Mav died - almost the same amount of time we had him here. Greg and I have talked about this several times, and in some ways it seems like it was an eternity ago, and others it seems like yesterday. It's been quite awhile since I've made a call to the hospital before going to bed - hoping to hear that the last blood gas was better than the one before. I still remember the anxiety I had when making these calls. The panic we'd feel when the phone would ring in the middle of the night. The peace I would feel when I got to hold him. This still really sucks. I don't think the pain we feel has gotten any better, I think we've just gotten better at dealing with it.

Greg had lunch with our pastor, Todd, today. He gave him a book to read. It was written by a pastor who lost a daughter to cancer. I think Greg said the book is some of the sermons he did while going through the battle and after the loss of his daughter. He's reading it right now. I'll probably start reading it tomorrow, and I'll give you more details then. Honestly, we're both pretty mad that all this has happened. Just speaking for myself, I don't even know what to pray for right now. I believed with all my heart that God would heal him and we would have our baby to take home, and that didn't happen. I don't get to know the "why," and that's hard.

Greg's read the book - he tells me I need to go read it. Enough for now. Love you all - jc