This image was from our 3-D ultrasound just about a year ago - it's hard to believe it's been that long."How are you?" she asks. "I'm okay," I reply. "You're not doing well, are you?" she asks... Just a conversation from earlier today. I guess she could hear it in my voice. I'm sure she realized Mav would've been ten months old today. She knows this type of pain all too well.
We went to church this morning - the music is getting easier to listen to. The last song, however, was "Amazing Grace." It's a song I have always associated with funerals. I'm not sure if everyone does or if it's just a quirk of mine. I had to stop singing and focus on not crying as my eyes started to well-up with tears.
Smiling is getting easier, so are the evenings and nights. Sometimes I feel like I'm in two worlds - one where I'm going through the motions of daily life trying to enjoy things as much as I can and the other where I miss our sweet boy so much that all I want to do is cry. I suppose this is an improvement. I'm not sad all the time now. I've had a handful of days where I haven't cried at all.
The task of the headstone is still looming over my head. I'm a procrastinator. We still haven't figured it out. It just seems like such a daunting and permanent task. I don't think we'll make it for our goal of his birthday. I'm going to do my best this week and make it a priority, though.
Speaking of his birthday... It will be here before we know it. September 12. What do we do? I certainly don't want to not celebrate the day he came into our lives, but I don't think there's a real answer for what's right. I think everyone comes up with what is right for their own family. I've been thinking about a balloon release at his grave. I'd like to do another blood drive as some point as well. I'm open to suggestions. I think it's horrible that we're even having to think about this. I just wish he was healthy and here with us.
On the other hand, I'm glad we had the hope that he would get better. I'm glad we had 5 1/2 months with him. Imagine the parents that know that their baby is facing a terminal defect prior to his birth. Imagine wondering if your child will survive the delivery and if so for how long. I've been following a blog since shortly after Mav's death. At that time it was about RN parents who lost their baby girl during delivery. I just checked back in about a week ago and they had several updates. I just can't imagine what they're going through right now. If you don't want cry, don't click on the link. I promise it will make you appreciate your healthy children, even when they're up five times a night puking or throwing fits in the middle of Walmart. The Thompsons could use any extra prayers you could send their way right now. Here's their link if you're interested http://kinseygracethompson.blogspot.com/.
Love you all, jc
7 comments:
Birthdays are hard. You want to celebrate the birth of your child but no one feels like a party. My "oldest" would have been 15 on July 5th. We have spent some birthdays volunteering at a shelter for pregnant teens. It's hard to do it every year because of the holidays. But we send out invitations to let people know where we will work and if they can't come there is a list of baby items the shelter is in need of. Hard work keeps my mind from thinking of the bad part of that day and friends and family help me commemorate the awesome part of that day. It will never be easy. But it gives everyone, including me, something to do. Most people just don't know what to do. If they mention it will I get upset and cry, if they don't will I be sad that they have forgotten him. I'm sure you'll find something perfect to remember Maverick on the day of his birth. I'll be thinking of you and our forever babies in heaven.
Juli, I think of you guys daily. I'm glad you're having some better days. It truly is a small world though. The blog that you've been following is a friend of mine. Kristi used to work with us at Med City...
Juli,
I don't know you, I've meet you once, but I "feel" like I know you because I keep up with you and your family through your blog. I visited the site of Kinsey Thompson and have just cried and cried for that family that has had to bury 2 children during back to back summers. Ever since I first became pregnant I have consciously tried to put myself in the moment and be in the moment and enjoy my children where we are with what we have! I'm not always good at it but to this day (3 children later) I still consciously try to live in the moment and enjoy every sound, hug, hand hold, kiss, argument, screams, etc......... You mentioned one time being at Walmart and someone made a comment to you about their child, I can't remember specifically, but I remember thinking I felt the same as you do. I love my children to the core. I am blessed to have them in my life. I want to say thank you for spilling your guts through your blog and I pray others that read it will hold their children tighter, love on them more and cherish the time they have with them! Sincerely, Patty Keller
Kay, exactly. You said it. Thanks for the tips.
Lindsay, Thanks. I miss you all. I think I first found Kristi's blog while looking at yours. Like I said before, it's sometimes easier "knowing" someone else who's been through something like this.
Patty, I remember you. We still need to get our little girls together sometimes. I'm just warning you, mine is a bit sassy. It just upsets me to see people abuse or mistreat their kids when there are so many who want children so badly and can't have them or have lost them.
Hey, Juli. I just read your exchange with someone from Texas about the folks visiting your blog from around the country...so I finally had to write. You may not think you know anyone in Spartanburg, SC, but you do. I found out about your blog just after Mav died. I didn't even know you had been pregnant! Life changes so quickly, and not being there anymore makes us so out of touch. You need to know that I have been praying for you and Greg & the kids, and crying with you in your grief. I'm so glad you're having some better days, but I also know it's going to be a long haul, so I'll keep praying.
I have also enjoyed the pictures you post so much...remembering with fondness our life there, the slower pace and the precious people...teaching Maddie in Sunday School, etc. I feel like I know you better now than I ever did when we lived there. I'm glad to have the opportunity for that, but like you, I just wish the circumstances could have been different. Blessings...
Ruth Kirby
Ruth, Thanks for the prayers. We do still need them. It's so good to hear from you, hope you and yours are doing well. I still remember what you told me about B saying he had hearts come out of his head - or something like that! Good memories.
Juli,
Just wanted to share how we celebrated my nephews 1st birthday. 2 years ago, my brother's son died from SIDS, he was 3 months 9 days old. So for his birthday our family went to the cemetary with balloons, and a special memory written down. We all shared our special memory, then attached it to the balloon and we let go of them. When you don't have a chance to make alot of memories, it is comforting to hear what everyone's special memory is.
I'm glad to read that you've been having more, better days.
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