My mom and Brown left today. My sweet friends Kristi (from St. Louis) and Kim (from Houston) left today. I was with the kids and Greg at the house, but it was lonely. Greg and I are at about the same place. We really don't have anything to say. I went to the cemetery and sat by Mav's grave in the cold. I held his brown monkey and cried as I looked at all the flowers covering his grave. When I got too cold, I sat in the car and looked at it some more as I wrote in my journal. The only prayer I can utter now is, "Why?" I know all the verses about God's way being different than ours and how we can't understand, but that doesn't change the fact that a piece of my heart is no longer with me. I am thankful that he's no longer in pain, but I really just wanted him to get better and come home. My 11 year-old, Maddie, reminded me tonight that he is home. I have so many things to be thankful for - my husband, three healthy kids, my family, and all my wonderful friends. I realize that, but it doesn't change the pain.
I saw three of my friends through the course of the day after everyone left. One thing I have learned throughout the last 5 1/2 months is that friends really are the family you choose for yourself. I don't know what I would do without them. Some help me get my mind off things, others let me vent, and some cry with me. Thanks to all of you. jc
Blindsided
10 years ago
9 comments:
Though I am a stranger, I am a sister in Christ that cries with you for your sweet son Mav. I just wanted to pass along a blog I follow written by a sweet and couragous christian mother who lost her baby in April. Her emotional and spiritual journey and her transperancy are amazing. it is: Bring the Rain by Angi Smith @ audreycaroline.blogspot.com
May God give you comfort and may you feel his presence now more than ever before.
With deepest sympathy,
Teresa Wright
Kansas
Juli - you don't have to post. I just wanted you guys to know that we are, of course, still praying for you. I know that you are used to going to the hospital, being with Mav, trying to find something to make him more comfortable, etc.....now you are challenged with trying to find a new normal. It will take some time for you to find it, but you will. I don't understand either how come this had to happen. Heather and I were talking about you guys just now...who knows, maybe with everything Maverick went through, there will be another child whose life can be saved through what you all learned with Maverick. No one knows the pain you are going through except those that have lost a child before...but Maddie is right...Maverick is at home...it's not what we wanted right now - we wanted him to get better so you could bring him home....and it doesn't seem fair. But, like your preacher said, at least you got 5 1/2 months to be with Maverick and what a blessing that was. I know I am not very good with words, but know that we love you and are hearts are breaking for you all. At church today, they had a sweet prayer for Maverick...he has touched so very many peoples lives. I was talking with my friend, Vicki, and she said her preacher friend in California has been keeping up with your blog...then there is Sherry from Maryland and who knows how many hundreds of people's lives you have touched. You just keep on blogging as long as you want to...I know that I keep checking it several times a day - just to see how you guys are doing - and you are always so eloquent in what you type....I guess you know that we all are going through withdrawals too and trying to find a new normal....most of us check the blog several times a day and, with Maverick gone....we don't know what to do either...we just pray that you find comfort in all the family and friends - you have touched so many peoples lives. I was talking with one of your medi-flight nurses and she was telling me how much you have done for them...you hang in there and scream if you want to.....scream at God, He is man enough to take your anger....who knows, if you scream at Him long enough, maybe you will find the peace you are looking for. I just know that Jesus is rocking and singing to that sweet baby - and probably reading him the story of Brown Bear....knowing that he is in Heaven is the only thing that brings me peace....I feel sorry for the people that believe after you die, there is nothing left...what a terrible empty feeling that must be. Remember, Juli, to let me know if you want me to do anything - I hate that I have had a cold it seems like for a month...and wasn't able to get up to see Maverick more often.....if you want me to come get the kids and keep them a weekend...or take them to a show....or just whatever, you let me know....It may take some bribing to get Chloe to come with me, but I bet if I brought Heather she would come...either that or bring a tub of butter! Love you - Teresa
Juli,
Thank you for being real with your pain that is unimaginable to most of us. There are no trite answers. You are ministering to others in ways you will never know.
I pray for you again today, that God's presence will be unmistakable, that you will know what it is to be held by Him.
You are loved,
Amber
Juli-
Little Maverick's precious life has touched so many. I have read the blog everyday with very few exceptions, and my sweet girls and Chris & I have prayed every night for him since the day he was born. Every night both girls would thank God for him and ask that he would get to go home from the hospital. I explained to them with a heavy heart and many tears on Tuesday that Maverick went home to be with Jesus in heaven. So that night when we prayed together we changed our prayers to your family, and we are now praying for your comfort, healing and peace. I know that nothing that anyone can say or do will take away your pain, but I want you to know that we "weep with those who weep" as it says to do in Romans 12:15.
I'm so glad that you are journaling and continuing to blog. Both are greatly theraputic. Your words, actions, and attitude through all of this have been such a testimony to me and to others as you have let us travel this diffcult road with you. Your dedication and love to little Maverick is such a beautiful picture of the unbreakable bond between mother and child. A bond that not even death can break. So as you continue on this journey, please know that our Lord will continue to surround you and your family with His indescribable love, comfort, and strengh to carry you through each day.
-Angela
Juli- I didn't want to call you...but this is something I did when my Grandma, Charlie and my dad passed away and thought I would share it with you...I took several flowers from the graveside and turned them upside down in a closet on a hanger and let them dry. Then I put them in a vase....you can even take the baby's breath or whatever and do the same...it brings me comfort when I see the flowers....you don't have to post this - I just wanted to share this with you....will call you later in the week - or you can call me when you want....Love Teresa
My heart is so heavy for you and your family. Please know that there are many prayers out there for you all.
One day my son saw me cry as I was reading another blog...he asked me why I was crying and I said "because this little baby died and is now in heaven". He looked at me and said "that's ok mommy, heaven is a great place." Like your daughter said, Maverick is home.
I will continue to pray that the Good Lord will give you strength.
Thanks again for sharing your sweet little boy with us.
Many Blessings,
Amanda
I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I am thinking of you all during this difficult time.
Heart Hugs,
Samantha Major
Juli,
I just randomly found your blog. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Through this wonderful blog community I truly feel God has provided another avenue for prayer communities. Please know that you and your family are and will be in my husband's and my prayers.
In God's Perfect Love,
Christy
Juli,
You don't know me, but I work with Teresa at TFCU and have heard your story through her. I didn't know about the blog until a few days ago, but after I put the kids to bed this evening, I sat up and read all of them from the beginning and watched every video. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you are going though, but I want you to know that you have helped me put some things in persepective within my own life. I have a 3 year old daughter and a 6 month old son (he was born one week before Maverick) and, while I love them with every ounce I have and I can't imagine life without them, I think I overlooked the simplicity of a baby I can hold, who can cry, smile etc. I thank you, your family and most importantly Maverick for putting this in persepctive. I just went and checked on both my kids again and sat in their rooms and prayed. May God give you and your family the strength to live life to its fullest and remember Maverick for the fighter he was and is. He is home now, comfortable, watching you, his dad, sisters and brother.
--Kathi Garey
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