On death, dying, and spring break

I didn't really feel like posting last night. I went throughout the day yesterday dreading today. I had my dates mixed up. Last night before I went to bed Greg and I were talking and I realized yesterday was the 12th not today. Yesterday Mav would've been six months old. I guess focusing on the specific day is really ridiculous. I just cried a lot last night before I went to bed instead of a lot all day today. I've heard from several friends that certain dates and events will stick in your head and make things difficult. I know for awhile the 12th and 24th of any month will be a bit more difficult.

I realized last night at dinner that Chloe doesn't really get it. I asked who wanted to say the prayer and Chloe said she did. She prayed, "Deah Lord, please let Maverick get betta and come home." After she finished, I said, "Chloe, Maverick won't ever come home. He died, remember? You can't come back home after you die." She looked at me with one of her wild expressions - like "What are you talking about?!" We discussed it a little more and I answered a few questions then she just made an expression like, "well, okay then" and started talking about something else.

Maddie and Carter had their last day of school before spring break today. We get to sleep in for the next week. The past couple of nights I've actually been sleeping better. I'm thankful for that. Maddie and I started to plan some activities for next week. I just don't want to end up sitting at home everyday - the kids deserve some fun times. It looks like we won't have to worry about that... Zoo, skating, swimming, visiting a fun restaurant, and the park are on the agenda so far. I'm sure I'll have some cute pics to post. I tried to post some tonight, but I think the network isn't letting me send them. It happens sometimes.

Speaking of sitting at home, I'm sitting at the computer looking at flowers that have died. I've thought about throwing them out, but just haven't done it yet. This may be twisted, but in my mind, it's like it will signify the amount of time that has passed since his funeral - as in it's been so long that the flowers have died. They were so beautiful, but now they're dead. Over the past several days I've thought about death and how it's really not a surprise that we're going to die. Everyday, everyone of us is one day closer to death than we were the day before. We just don't know how close we are to the end of our road. I think maybe it's not as scary to children as it is to adults. My kids have made reference to the fact that Mav is in heaven, and some of my friends kids do the same - almost to the point that they look at you like you're crazy for crying. It makes me wonder if as you age, you get more selfish (or just more attached) and think about the relationship you lost instead of how focusing on the amazing place your loved one is in now. While if you're a child, either you can see it so clearly and don't have all the preconceived thoughts about death or you're so egocentric that you don't have the capacity to grieve like an adult. I know, that's pretty deep. I think I've always been reluctant to think about my own death. I always tend to think about all the reasons I need to be here - namely my family. I still think like that, but now heaven has a different spin on it with Mav there. I've had other friends who have lost kids tell me it makes heaven more real. I can definitely see their point now.

Here's another one of my weird dreams, it ties into the above. For reference, it helps to know: A. one of my friends made mention of Jesus coming back to get us during a conversation yesterday, and B. that I cooked bacon in the oven for the first time last night and I set off the smoke alarm... We're all here in the house and all these different alarms start going off - alarms I really don't even have in my house. Even the tornado siren outside is blaring (it's practically in our backyard) and it has red, blue, and white lights attached to the pole that are going as well. Somehow in my head I know this means that it's the end of times and Jesus is coming back. I'm not scared or worried or anything. I'm relieved we'll all be with Mav - and Jesus, of course. It's strange to see how your mind works while you're sleeping - or how God tells you it will all be okay someday.

As for the real alarm going off, Carter and Chloe thought the house was on fire and started screaming, "Fire! Fire!" and running from the kitchen. Carter was shouting to Chloe, "STOP, DROP, AND CRAWL!" He almost had it right.

Thanks for your continued comments and support. I'll just keep writing, because honestly, I can't bring myself to say most of these things out loud. I'm not a big "serious talker." I never have been - don't take it personally if you're someone that's close to me. It's much easier for me to type it out and not have anyone to hash it back to me and ask questions. I like to cry by myself - or with Greg. This has just been a good way for me to deal with things. Love you all - jc