Sad reality check

I'm sure most of you know what I'm thinking about today... It has been one month since his funeral. One month since the last time I held his little body. Today wasn't the best of days. I was talking to a friend today who told me you come to expect that certain days will be hard. It's the unexpected days that really get you - like when you see someone you don't expect to see, or you encounter a situation that reminds you of what you're missing. I had both today.

It's been cold and rainy all day today. Chloe and I were home together, Greg was at work, and Maddie and Carter were at school. I briefly thought about taking the crib down, but then decided I wasn't ready to do that yet. It's just another confirmation that this chapter of my life - and Mav's life - is over. There was a consignment sale in town today, so I thought Chloe and I would go and I would get her some summer clothes. I have been to this sale before, but didn't even consider the effect it would have on me. I walked in and immediately saw a ton of baby paraphernalia - boppys, breast pumps, bibs, swings, bedding, strollers, etc. I just stopped for a second as my heart sank, realizing how just one year ago I was at this sale looking at maternity clothes. This year I don't need them or the baby stuff. It was just a sad reality check.

You might think, "Well, you could have another one." Honestly, I've probably thought that myself when someone has lost a baby or miscarried. I'm convinced that a person says this with the best intention in their heart, but they can't truly realize the hurt it causes if they haven't been in this situation. Another baby won't fill the void left by the one that was lost.

I hopped in the tub tonight to soak and get my mind off things, but realized I can't sit and let my mind go blank like I could in the past. I'm always talking myself through something or replaying a memory or wondering "why" or "what if?". I deliberately made myself stop and think about the things I'm thankful for. Our family, our friends, our church, the length of time we had with Maverick, the wonderful people who took care of him. Did it help? I'm not sure it did this evening, but I remember several times when Mav was so sick and it seemed like all I did was pray for his healing. I would be reminded to thank God for the blessings I did have in the midst of all the difficulties. It seemed like every time I did, things would look a little brighter the next day. Maybe that will happen this time as well.