Baby Maverick

This blog was created to keep family and friends updated on what's going on with the pregnancy, birth, and surgical plan for Maverick. We'll also be able to keep everyone updated during his surgery and recovery and hopefully be able to show you some cute pictures of him, Maddie, Carter and Chloe along the way.

This was the original intent; however, when we started this blog we had no idea the twists and turns our lives would take. Our sweet baby Maverick was born September 12, 2008 with Transposition of the Great Arteries, ASD, and VSD. We expected to have a baby boy to bring home three to four weeks after his surgery. He had numerous complications after his arterial switch and fought through many that would have taken the life from an adult. He passed away February 24, 2009 - without ever coming home.

This blog is now a place I share my feelings, work through the grief, remember Maverick, and try to make sense out of our life without him. I hope in doing so I am giving a name and a face to babies everywhere born with congenital heart defects.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

One month ago today...

One month ago today was the last time I held our sweet baby boy when he was still alive. When I got up this morning I went walking with one of my friends, came home and woke up the kids for school, and started looking at the clock. All I could think of is what I was doing at that time one month ago.

Seven o'clock, laying beside Mav in his crib. Several times throughout his last night he would try to open his eyes, but couldn't due to the swelling. When I would see him try, I would tell him, "It's okay sweet boy, momma's right here." I was either holding his little hand or foot the entire night. I'm so glad I crawled up in that crib. Greg and I have always let our babies sleep with us, and it was just killing me to think of him sleeping alone that night. At first I was hesitant, but then decided to not care about what anyone thought. I knew his time with us was limited. Greg took some pics and video that night, but I haven't been able to look at them yet.

Eight o'clock, rocking Mav. Shortly after his morning assessment, his heart rate started to slow. I had to hold him. I read him "Brown Bear" for the last time. We listened to lullabies and Greg and I talked to him until he passed away.

Eight fifty, Mav died. I just looked at the death certificate for the first time yesterday. I wasn't sure exactly what time it was until then.

After that, I held him awhile longer. Then Greg held him. Then we did footprints and hand prints. Then our friend, Jay Cooper, from the funeral home came. Greg walked out to the car carrying little Mav in the silky blanket we had been holding him in, and buckled him into a car seat in the funeral home vehicle. That was his first time in a car seat. I stayed in the room in the PICU and started bawling looking at the empty bed and all the toys and stuffed animals left behind. Some of my Mediflight friends came by when they heard the news, and some Neoflight friends came by to help pack up all his belongings. I remember crying with my friend, Carol, who said, "We all felt like he was ours." My work friends would usually come by everyday to check on him.

I remember leaving the hospital feeling an overwhelming sadness and sense of disbelief. Could this really have happened? This was the end to our five month battle - to Mav's battle? It all just seemed so wrong. Really, it still does.

Needless to say, today has been pretty rough. I've cried with just about everyone I've come in contact with. I had a chiropractor appointment this morning because my neck and shoulders have been bothering me and I've been having more headaches. The poor guy - he asked if I had been injured or what had brought this on. I said, "I'm sure it's just stress." Then I started crying and told him about losing Maverick. He just kept saying, "I'm so sorry" which made me cry more.

Maddie and I went to the cemetery this evening and put some more flowers on his grave. The other kids didn't want to go, so Greg stayed here with them. We'll probably start looking for headstones in the next week or so. Just talking about that makes me cry.

I have a busy couple of days ahead. That's usually good for me - keeps my mind occupied. Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers. Love you all - jc


Gena said...

My thoughts and prayers are constantly with you. I have thought about you and your family so much today and didn't realize the date until later this evening. I wanted to do something to help with the blood drive, but wasn't able to donate because I am pregnant. I plan to give blood as soon as I am able to after this baby arrives. Take care and know that my positive thoughts are coming your way.

Bill and Mary said...

Juli~ I thought about you and your family often yesterday. I cried reading this post, I can feel your love for Mav jumping off the page. You made his last moments so special and he knew you were both there, loving him. Much love and continued prayers for you, Greg, Maddie, Carter and Chloe. God Bless.

Lori said...

Praying for you today.

Laura-Marie said...

I can't believe it has already been a month. Almost everyday since finding your blog, I have gotten my kids ready, then checked on Maverick. It's amazing the effect that little guy had on me. I know it can be so crazy how your life can come to a huge road block, and you look around you and everyone(some you know, some you don't know) continues on. Sometimes it doesn't seem quite fair for some reason, I don't know if you have ever shared in these feelings. Know that I think about you and Mav daily, in fact I pass a street called Maverick almost everyday. So even though life must go on, Maverick has a special place in my heart. I really hope you are not thinking I am such a crazy person since I hardly know you...I just can't imagine the pain you are going through right now, and for that I am so very very sorry. Much love and many prayers to you.

SarahO said...

Oh, Julie...I am so glad that today is a new day. I thought of you all day yesterday. After reading more details of your last moments with Mav it makes it even more unimaginable what you are going through. I am so sorry for the pain your famioly carries.


Anonymous said...

Heartbreaking! I thought about one of your recent posts when you were saying how you were at wits end and your other children had been throwing things and yelling, normal kid stuff...this brought me to think that I did not have to make Aidan eat his pancakes and eggs (we made breakfast for dinner) he did not want and it was ok if he wanted just a peanut butter sandwich. After trying to get him to eat his food he didn't want, I granted his wish to just eat the sandwich he so wanted to begin with...I pray your coming days with picking out memorials for Maverick will be ok. Your post made me cry tonight and I still hope no one gives you a hard time about your grieving process. As a mom too, I love my child dearly and continue to learn from your continued posts about your own family.
May God be with you as you and your husband continue to nurture your kiddos and keep Maverick's memory alive!

Anonymous said...

dear juli,i think of you and maverick daily and often more when i happen to drive by your house. my thoughts and prayers are with you and i feel so much for all of you. as so many have said, checking your blog and maverick's condition was a daily part of my routine as well. it's strange that people you've never met can leave such a huge void. always hoping for a better tomorrow for all of you - karlin