One month ago today...

One month ago today was the last time I held our sweet baby boy when he was still alive. When I got up this morning I went walking with one of my friends, came home and woke up the kids for school, and started looking at the clock. All I could think of is what I was doing at that time one month ago.

Seven o'clock, laying beside Mav in his crib. Several times throughout his last night he would try to open his eyes, but couldn't due to the swelling. When I would see him try, I would tell him, "It's okay sweet boy, momma's right here." I was either holding his little hand or foot the entire night. I'm so glad I crawled up in that crib. Greg and I have always let our babies sleep with us, and it was just killing me to think of him sleeping alone that night. At first I was hesitant, but then decided to not care about what anyone thought. I knew his time with us was limited. Greg took some pics and video that night, but I haven't been able to look at them yet.

Eight o'clock, rocking Mav. Shortly after his morning assessment, his heart rate started to slow. I had to hold him. I read him "Brown Bear" for the last time. We listened to lullabies and Greg and I talked to him until he passed away.

Eight fifty, Mav died. I just looked at the death certificate for the first time yesterday. I wasn't sure exactly what time it was until then.

After that, I held him awhile longer. Then Greg held him. Then we did footprints and hand prints. Then our friend, Jay Cooper, from the funeral home came. Greg walked out to the car carrying little Mav in the silky blanket we had been holding him in, and buckled him into a car seat in the funeral home vehicle. That was his first time in a car seat. I stayed in the room in the PICU and started bawling looking at the empty bed and all the toys and stuffed animals left behind. Some of my Mediflight friends came by when they heard the news, and some Neoflight friends came by to help pack up all his belongings. I remember crying with my friend, Carol, who said, "We all felt like he was ours." My work friends would usually come by everyday to check on him.

I remember leaving the hospital feeling an overwhelming sadness and sense of disbelief. Could this really have happened? This was the end to our five month battle - to Mav's battle? It all just seemed so wrong. Really, it still does.

Needless to say, today has been pretty rough. I've cried with just about everyone I've come in contact with. I had a chiropractor appointment this morning because my neck and shoulders have been bothering me and I've been having more headaches. The poor guy - he asked if I had been injured or what had brought this on. I said, "I'm sure it's just stress." Then I started crying and told him about losing Maverick. He just kept saying, "I'm so sorry" which made me cry more.

Maddie and I went to the cemetery this evening and put some more flowers on his grave. The other kids didn't want to go, so Greg stayed here with them. We'll probably start looking for headstones in the next week or so. Just talking about that makes me cry.

I have a busy couple of days ahead. That's usually good for me - keeps my mind occupied. Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers. Love you all - jc