Baby Maverick

Sunday, again. Yesterday it was snowing, today it's almost seventy degrees. We stayed in most of the day yesterday and made cookies from scratch. I think that's the first time Maddie and I have made cookies together that weren't in dough-form when we started. Chloe was standing behind Maddie in the kitchen barking orders at her, "USE UR TUMS, MADDIE!" as she was cracking open the eggs. Interpreted as "use your thumbs". The weather has been causing Greg some back issues, so he stayed home from church today with Carter and Chloe. Maddie and I went. I almost took Dr. Vine's advice on the music (thanks for the sweet post, by the way - I've tried to find you on FB to respond, but couldn't), but I heard Amazing Grace as we were coming back into the building and I was glad I didn't. I would've been a bawling mess. The sermon was hard enough to sit through today. It was something I needed to hear, but that didn't make it any easier. The title was, "The Goodness of God in the Toughness of Times" from James 1:16-18. Todd said, "God never casts a shadow of evil on his people," and gave the analogy of an eclipse. Just because you can't see the sun during an eclipse doesn't mean it still isn't there. You've let something of the world come between you and God was the gist of it. At the end I was crying and was needing to get out of the building before I really lost it. We left during the invitation.

Later this afternoon I went to the cemetery. The dirt is starting to settle on Mav's grave. It's so sad. I can't explain why, but I just feel like I need to be there. Today I noticed some things I hadn't noticed before. The tree that's close by was shading Mav's (and several other's) grave. There were a couple of other fairly new graves in Babyland (that's where Mav is buried). As I looked around I noticed several of the tombstones just had one date on them. I was thankful that I had five months with Mav. Long enough for him to develop quite a personality. Long enough to still have his sweet little face etched in my brain. Long enough to hold him more than once. I just wish we could've taken him home.

Last night we heard a helicopter overhead and Chloe asked about where the people went (she assumes all helicopters are medical-related). I told her they take them to the hospital. She said, "Where Maverick lives?" It's hard to think that yes, he did live there. She still prays for him to get better and come home. As she was climbing in her car seat a few days ago she screamed out, "MAVERICK!" I looked at her and asked why she did that. She said, "He up in the sky, right?" I said, "Well, yes, he's in heaven." "Wis jedas?" she asked. "Yes, Chloe, with Jesus."

I've been sleeping better lately, but I haven't had anymore dreams about Maverick. I actually prayed last night that I would have one. There's just something comforting about them. I can't imagine going through this and not having any support - no husband or other kids. Carter has been calling me all kinds of funny names - sweet cheeks, Jules, sugar momma, I don't hear "mom" much anymore. They keep me going and help me smile. Love you all - jc

P.S. I've had a few people ask so I thought I'd let you know - my application for nurse practitioner school was sent off yesterday. We'll see what happens.